Blow jobs

There are so many people in this world who do not know how to give good head. If you are one of those people, you should come along to my comedy show, or you should read this fictitious book.

Throwing Stones at Girls

In preparation for my show I've been learning a lot about how children go through puberty. And I've realised that it’s not just about maturing physically, it’s also about maturing emotionally - something boys are particularly bad at. I’ve got this friend called Ali and he’s terrible when it comes to the opposite sex. He’s in his thirties and he still throws stones at girls. Can you believe that? It's not so surprising - he lives in Saudi Arabia, that’s what they do. But even though he's a really good shot he still can’t get a girlfriend. Growing up can be tough, eh?

The Echidna's hidden talents

It's been a while since I blogged. I've been busy writing my 2009 show Let's talk about SEX. I've been doing a lot of research (as always) and I've stumbled across lots of fasciniating facts.
Here's one I want to share with you ... an echidna has a penis that looks like Bart Simpson's hand.
It's a bit minging but fair play to the echidna - I'll never look at these creatures in the same way again.

The Stripper

Here's a story that is better told by video.
It's six minutes long but I feel the pay-off is worth it.

Fashion Crimes

What's happening to the world's military? They need to employ some new fashion designers. Standards of dress have slowly been slipping so that a 'man in uniform' is no longer considered dashing. In the Crimea War, soldiers wore smart red jackets. First World War - tidy trenchcoats. WWII - the Gestapo had some pretty cool leather jackets. But then it all started to go downhill in the Vietnam War. American G.I.s began wearing vest tops and cargo pants, and they even wore bandanas. But nothing is as bad as the current costume of choice for those fighting in Iraq - beige tracksuits. Pathetic.

Silence is Golden

Men are not as sensitive as women in the bedroom. We're not so turned on by smells and sounds, and we're not so put off by words. A man could be having sex with a lady and she could yell out 'Shit stains' or 'I've got a cock' or 'You're the ugliest man I've ever seen' and we're quite happy to carry on - we don't care, we're very resilient. But if you say something to a woman like 'You've got nice feet', she'll often lash out with. 'Are you saying I've got horrible legs? That's it, I'm not in the mood anymore. Get off me!' I've learned that it's better to keep my mouth shut.
Women can say what they like in the bedroom, it's the visual elements that men focus on. We're not fussy about sounds, but if we see one nipple hair, it's off. And there's nothing a lady can do to put the lead back in a pencil.
A nipple hair, a whitehead, or a hammer thumb - that's all it takes.

Not Made for Water

Lap swimming has to be the most boring sport around. There’s absolutely nothing to see when you’ve got your head underwater. I’ve tried reading a book and it doesn’t work. You keep having to swap hands to turn the pages, and it gets far too fiddly. They should release some fish into the pool just to give you something to look at. Or some treasure from a Spanish galleon – that would be cool. Or they could throw a shark into the pool. This would not only make you swim faster, but it would make swimming much more entertaining for spectators.

Humans look bad underwater. We are not built for swimming. We are not graceful. We are clumsy and odd, and are arms and legs flap about too much. We are like fish with special needs. It’s no wonder the sharks attack us – they must think we are taking the piss.

Hotels

I’ve been spending quite a lot of time in business hotels recently. They put things in your room like soap and tea-bags. They never give you anything decent. When you’re in a hotel room you are bored out of your mind – you need a Playstation or some profiteroles or some dancing horses with profiteroles. But instead you get a shower cap so your hair doesn’t get wet when you are trying to slash your wrists in the bath. They sometimes give you two shower caps just in case you grow an extra head out of boredom.

And the sheets are always tucked in so hard you need a pizza-cutter to go to bed. I think the maids do it on purpose, trying to keep you on top of the sheets so they don’t have to do any work the next day.