Poetry is Shit

I got dragged along to a poetry slam last week. I was so bored I almost slammed the poet’s head in a door. The ‘slam’, it seems, is just a tag given to an incredibly dull evening in an attempt to make it sound edgy – a bit like a chess gangbang. There’s nothing edgy about reading out words that don’t rhyme.
Poems without rhyming words are like jokes without punchlines – very easy to write and a complete waste of time. To write this type of poetry all you have to do is type a sentence into a computer while pressing ENTER randomly.
The complete works of Shakespeare were apparently written by some monkeys with typewriters. I reckon an ant could knock out a poem on a mobile phone in a few seconds. Give me a limerick any day of the week. OK, the one about the old lady from China who had an enormous body part may not be considered highbrow but at least it rhymes. And it features a pensioner with a giant minge, which is both funny and edgy.
If poetry really wants to be cool, it has to do more than ‘slam’. It has to draw blood. I suggest a poetry cage-fight where a poet faces off against a streetfighting bogan. The pen may be mightier than the sword but an obscure whimsical metaphor is no match for a broken bottle. I’d pay to see that.