Kiss and Make Up

Weird people have been stopping me on the street recently, like they think they I belong to their group. It's quite worrying. I dress well, I walk normally, I don't dribble, I don't have scars on my tongue, but these people seem to think we have something in common.

A couple approached me last week. She had skin similar to the kind of porcelain you would find at the bottom of the 50 cent basket at the charity shop, her mascarra looked like it had been applied by the brushes from a road-sweeper, and she had enough foundation to rebuild the twin towers. Her boyfriend/pimp had a flanel shirt tied around his waist and a tattoo which read 'I love tattoos'.

She walked straight up to me and, pointing to the guy, said, "He says I am wearing too much make-up. What do you think?"

How do you respond in that situation? Either way you are going to get smacked by someone.

I had to find a neutral answer. Eventually I told her that one eye looked good and the other had too much make-up. She went away happy, squinting with her right eye, saying to her tattooed friend, "he's a fuckin' weirdo."

My Book

Five years in the making and it has finally arrived... my debut novel. They say you can't judge a book by the cover, so here's the blurb:
A story about how lives can be influenced by incredible people and by incredibly small events... Red Thomas moves to London and scams a teaching position at a prestigious boys’ school, but his hedonistic tendencies quickly send his lessons on Probability spiralling out of control. The son of a wealthy politician allows himself to get caught up in Red’s chaos and he is soon gambling with more than just his father’s money.
If it sounds like your cup of tea, please buy it: http://www.lulu.com/content/679182
Cheers