Scary Stuff

It’s ‘Trick or Treat’ time. This is basically a training ground for extortion. “Give us some money and we’ll look after you, otherwise we’ll set fire to a paper bag full of dogshit and put it on your doorstep.” That’s how The Kray Twins started. I asked one for a trick and he chopped off my ear. Hilarious.
And why do ghosts always move things around the house? Don’t ghosts have anything better to do. They are supposedly trapped between worlds and dimensions, and the only thing they can do is move a vase a few inches to the left. Why don’t they hang around the kitchen nicking food from the fridge? Or watch DVDs that weren’t invented when they were alive? If I were a ghost, I wouldn’t go around spooking people out, I’d go and have a chat with them about the latest football results. I talk to people about how things have changed since I was a lad. I’d play ‘Trick or Treat’ and get people to give me some beer, or I’d threaten to slit their throats – I’d be much scarier than an eleven year old with a pair of flashing horns.

Unveiled

Should veils be allowed? Well, if you are planning to rob a bank, I think a veil would be an excellent idea. If you are cycling through London, a veil would be useful to stop you getting black bogeys. If you are going to a fancy dress party as a belly dancer, it would really add something to the outfit. If you are chatting to a member of parliament... it depends on how bad his breath is. If you are a lazy ventriloquist, it would come in handy. If you had just had Botox injections, you should stay indoors for a year regardless. If you are Dick Turpin... it's worth investing in a veil - who knows they may soon take off.