Parents are Dull

A lot of my friends are having
babies at the moment and they
have since become the dullest
people in the world.
Every conversation topic leads
to their beautiful baby daughter.
For example:

Russian Revolution → Red Square → Coloured Shapes → Toys → Their Daughter
Iranian Nuclear Energy → Islam → The Koran → Children’s Books → Their Daughter
Mark Butler’s Comedy → Shut Up → Their Daughter

They say “Oh, isn’t she clever because she can say the word papa?” I can do over three hours of stand-up and they never give me biscuits.
They wanted me to hold her, like I’d suddenly be convinced that the kid was a genius. And this kid started to put her snotty little fingers into my mouth, and I didn’t like it so I pulled this funny face and started to spit. I think a woman’s sense of humour must be contained in her breast-milk because the kid was laughing, but the mother was giving me daggers. She said, “Stop being so miserable and let her put her fingers in your mouth. That’s her way of communicating.” I said, “I will come back and visit when your daughter is eighteen, and if she still wants to put her fingers in my mouth I might even reciprocate. I might even put something else in there.” It was a joke. The mother didn’t find it funny. But comedy is just my way of communicating.