Happy Birthday Liz

It's The Queen's 80th birthday today, and according to the BBC she has received 20,000 cards and 17,000 emails. On my last birthday I got 1 card and 1 email - both from my mam. I only have a small mantlepiece so it was probably for the best.
But I was bored reading just the one card, so I can only sympathise with HRH having to trawl through 20,000 messages of "If the socks don't fit, I've kept the receipt." But if she was like me, she would have only read the ones with money inside anyway.
Last year, my mam pushed the boat out and sent me a cardigan. The label had M on it, which must have stood for “Massive cardigan that I’ll never wear” because it wasn't a medium. It was massive. It was like a cast-off from The Biggest Loser. So I called up my mam to remind her how big I actually am, and she said, “Well, you’ll just have to eat more, won’t you, until it fits.” Which is entirely logical if you are an idiot. But it got me thinking that perhaps the high obesity rates throughout the world aren’t due to a poor diet and lack of exercise… it’s because of big cardigans and bad logic. The bigger we make them, the more they will eat.
In December, my mam did pretty well in the gift-buying department. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her to get me a surprise. She got me an Easter egg. I hadn't expected that. Mothers, eh?